Weekly Message from Perry Fatone

Dear Readers,
The latest What It Says About Me investigation has reached a dead end, leaving us completely baffled. We've done hundreds of Google searches, contacted experts, and even contemplated visiting a library, but our research hasn't yielded any answers.

If you can help, please contact us with leads regarding why "60 Minutes" continues to put Andy Rooney on the air. And before you respond, be aware that we've already debunked a rumor that CBS head Leslie Moonves bet Rooney he couldn't grow his eyebrows longer than an inch -- a challenge Rooney bested, allowing him to keep his segment until death or the replacement of "60 Minutes" with an extra hour of "Amazing Race."

Once again, please let us know if you have any information about this enduring mystery.

Godspeed,
Perry Fatone

Blanche Robinson

Some cultures believe that a photograph steals a piece of the soul of its subject. Blanche Robinson puts this theory into practice. In her Upper West Side co-op, she's stockpiled over 550 souls. Fortunately, they can be easily stored in Tupperware.

What It Says About Me: "I'm deadly serious. Say cheese."

Paco Monitorador

There are parts of Texas where FedEx refuses to deliver. However, broadband is accessible, so Paco Monitorador loads up his donkey Julio, and makes sure even the poor and disadvantaged have the ability to see what they're computing.

What It Says About Me: "Monitors very heavy. Julio es hard worker. I am hard worker. We are PC."

Robert Topper

Robert Topper happily obliged when his lover asked him to spend an entire day recreating a scene from the film, "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." When the photos showed up on the site bearforest.com, the couple decided to split.

What It Says About Me: "Those were supposed to be private. I feel violated."

Tim Waldenstein

Tim Waldenstein's girlfriend Colleen looked upon the canvas and proceeded to point out contrasting hues, dissonant juxtapositions, and themes of urban alienation. As Tim nodded, he wondered who would win in fight between a tiger and a jackal.

What It Says About Me: "Art is at its best when paired with an open bar."

Ryan Drustan

In gentlemen's clubs throughout Central Ohio, Ryan Drustan is known simply as "Tubby Stub Hub." The name came about due to his penchant for slipping Ohio State football tickets into the g-strings of dancers.

What It Says About Me: "I had a few extra for the Akron game a few years back and figured, 'What the hell?' I've gotten a lot of poon for a fat man since then, so you can go ahead and count me in for season tickets next season."

Weekly Message from Perry Fatone

Dear Readers,
Since my last message, I've been captivated by the NCAA tournament. This month's basketball delirium has truly infected my mind.

"The Madness," as they call it, has disrupted my sleep patterns causing me to become despondent and withdrawn. I've also started hearing voices. To combat this, I am now keeping a journal detailing the size and frequency of my bowel movements.

Fortunately, there will be no college basketball played tomorrow through Wednesday. During that time, I will attempt to put my life back together. Part of that will involve contacting Siena forward Ryan Rossiter to ask him to stop mimicking my wardrobe and mannerisms. (I suspect he is following me.)

Wish me luck and enjoy all the rest of March's psychologically troubling hoops action.

Sincerely,
Perry Fatone

Bode Brock

Four months prior to this photo being taken, a shared love of the Yonder Mountain String Band enabled Bode Brock to sleep with a high school senior he had just met. The resulting pregnancy shattered Brock's comfy existence as a pizza deliverer and percussionist in a Peter Tosh cover band.

What It Says About Me: "I'm extremely pissed at Jah, bro."

Emily "Circe Flame" Dombrowski

Cleveland resident Emily Dombroski was given the name "Circe Flame" by fellow LARPer and postal worker Terry Michael (aka White Wolf Wizard). Dombroski is interested in interactive literature, and freeform role-playing, but what she likes most is pretending that she may one day grant White Wolf the opportunity to lose his virginity.

What It Says About Me: "I'm going to ask Terry if he'd like to share a hotel room when we go to the next NERO event. When he says, 'Yes,' I'll ask him to make sure it has two beds."

John Garrison

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Chow Yun Wang

Chow Yun Wang was originally charging $19.95 per hug. After getting little interest, he lowered the price.

What It Says About Me: "I believe the economic crisis is to blame for the slowdown in the hugging business. The public's general distrust of Mr. Pinky Bear may also play a role."

Todd Magness

Todd Magness and his roommate Carl had nearly polished off an entire bottle of Early Times when the pair decided it was time to hook up the Xbox and play Halo Wars. Then it got weird.

What It Says About Me: "I was wasted and kidding around. I keep telling Carl that, but I don't think he believes me. Now he locks his bedroom door at night."

Weekly Message from Perry Fatone

Dear Readers,
Now that I'm back from Oklahoma, and off the BZP train, I'm feeling better than ever. Of course, it wouldn't have been possible without all your letters of support.

One letter that particularly raised my spirits was from Katie Couric, a fellow journalist who lives in New York City. She told me to, "Keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars." Then there was this absolutely precious letter from an aging gentleman named Chaim Witz. Chaim simply wrote, "No place for hidin' baby. No place to run. You pull the trigger of my love gun."

If that's not enough to raise someone's spirit, than that someone never had any spirit in the first place. I pity that someone and their dank, gaping spiritual vacuum that can only be filled with uppers and endless sloe gin cocktails. I truly do.

Anyhow, time to get back to my web site. Please keep reading!

Sincerely,
Perry Fatone

Bishop Barry Bishop

The late clergyman Bishop Barry Bishop insisted that his grave marker depict him doing what he loved to do most -- stand on small dogs.

What It Says About Me: "My immortal soul shall be honored on high as long as a feculent Canis is beneath thine foot."

Dana Zug

In November 2008, the Lancaster, Pennsylvania Scrapbookers Club was exposed as a front for illegal gaming and prostitution. Authorities were able to build the case against ringleader Dana Zug (seated foreground) based on the group's meticulous record keeping.

What It Says About Me: "I just started a new album. The first entry was a copy of the warrant to search my home. I matted it with patterned paper and a green ribbon to symbolize the persecution of victimless crimes."

The Lang Family

The Lang family took this photo only minutes before attempting to storm the castle. Tower guards were slow in noticing, but were quickly able to thwart the attack using a mix of crossbow fire and raining down scalding buckets of tar. The Stockton, California clan's patriarch received the iron maiden for spearheading the effort, while the children are currently serving time in the pillory.


What It Says About Me: "Guess what, kids? Now that our home has been foreclosed on, this year's family vacation will include finding a new house and taking it by force!"

Misty Tinkertots

Law school or med school? Misty Tinkertots was facing a tough decision about her future, so she put on a mini skirt and went down to the local flea market. Atop the kiddie bike is where she could always do her best thinking.

What It Says About Me: "I like could totally see myself doing Gastroenterology, but I'm also like way excited about how super important intellectual property is becoming."

Antoine McTootles

Antoine McTootles' owners have never felt the need to get him neutered. In fact, even as a puppy he would much rather brunch than hump the neighbor dogs.

What It Says About Me: "Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff."

Weekly Message from Perry Fatone

Dear Readers,
I hope you will forgive me for not delivering the top-notch content you've come to expect over the last few days. My absence is for good reason though, as I have been spending almost every waking hour since my last dispatch experimenting with a drug called benzylpiperazine.

The miracle pill is a stimulant that a delightful pair of British club kids gave me while I was on-assignment covering the story of weightlifter Debra Smashtikovich. What I can tell you about this legal high is that I believe it will be a huge hit in the States, as it's effects are similar to amphetamine and ecstasy.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm writing this from a motor inn off Interstate 44 near Catoosa, Oklahoma that was procured by a soon-to-be importer of benzylpiperazine. I am very grateful that he allowed me to keep my notebook, and he assured me that I may soon be able to return home if I work off my debt.

In the meantime, I will do my best to return to a more consistent schedule, since you deserve a reliable What It Says About Me, regardless of whether I believe I'm being chased by a creature that's half dog, half dragon.

Yours truly,
Perry Fatone