Niles Crane

As a child, Niles Crane was lightly taunted by classmates for having an unconventional name. After 1993, the name transformed into an inescapable social stigma, causing the young man to abandon plans to pursue a degree in psychiatry.

What It Says About Me: "If one more person asks me if I came to the party with Daphne, I'm going to put this cigarette out in their eye."

Weekly Message from Perry Fatone

Dear Readers,
I think I'm in love. It's a feeling I've never quite felt before, and it all started with a chance encounter at a first time-mothers breastfeeding seminar.

I know what you're thinking. I'm neither a first-time mom, nor am I lactating. (You sure are perceptive!) Seriously though, I am a frequent commentor on numerous breast-related blogs. To be fully informed, I often attended such events uninvited, because I don't want to make participants nervous that an expert of my stature is in attendance.

Anyway, as I looked across the room of topless first-time mothers, pretending to be a supportive husband (this is another trick I've picked up), I noticed one particular woman holding her child at an inopportune angle. Frustration was evident in both their faces. Obviously, I couldn't just sit back and watch them struggle. I went to the pair and politely corrected them, guiding the child's mouth to the mother's teet. The look the woman gave me showed that she was deeply moved, and my heart went out to her.

Moments later, I was asked to leave, but it was not before I was able to surreptitiously get her name off the class contact list. The connection I made with that first-time mother seemed real, but would it be overstepping my bounds to call her? I'm stumped.

If you have any suggestions, please let me know. In the meantime, enjoy What It Says About Me.

Sincerely,
Perry Fatone

Dashaun Jordan

Dashaun Jordan's adoptive parents have always tried to keep their son out of the media spotlight due to his rare condition. His West Lake High School graduation photo (shown here) illustrates his affliction, despite Dashaun's attempts to be fashionable by styling his hair with gel and growing out a beard.

What It Says About Me: "I wish people would just except me for who I am, and not go all bananas when I try to get with their daughters."

Miss Athena Fancypants

Miss Athena Fancypants plays World of Warcraft as Faelin, a Level 42 Paladin. Her WoW character is so alluring to some human players that they've begun propositioning her in reality, even though she sometimes accidentally hints at the fact she's a cat.

What It Says About Me: (translated from a string of meows) "There are instances where I forget and have Faelin clean her entire body using only her tongue. This often sends the wrong message."

Timmy Klinefelter

This photo was taken two years prior to Timmy Klinefelter becoming the first 13-year-old to have a stroke brought on by sheer embarrassment.

What It Says About Me: "I've now come to terms with the fact that my parents dress like humorless disaffected teen geeks, but for a while there it was touch and go."

Masami Inu

When the Chunichi Dragons signed Kosuke Fukudome in 1998, Masami Inu was assigned to be Fukudome's personal geisha for road trips. Now that Fukudome plays for the Chicago Cubs, she is a hot dog vendor.

What It Says About Me: "I dream of Mr. Baseball, Tom Selleck, come rescue me from hot dog."

Harold Murphy

After mastering Iron Maiden's "Run for the Hills," Rhode Island native Harold Murphy snorted a long line of cocaine and discussed ad nauseam his desire for Django Reinhardt's catalogue to be made of available on Guitar Hero.

What It Says About Me: "A little taste of the original Gypsy king would kick f**kin' ass."