Weekly Message from Perry Fatone

Dear Readers,
The grind of editing What It Says About Me can get a little stressful, so I often spend my summer weekends lunching with dignitaries, shooting skeet, and unwinding at the Jersey Shore. However, my most recent beach jaunt was less than relaxing.

Rather than recall the all events that led to my Ed Hardy graphic tee being doused with rum punch at a night spot known as The Cove, I will simply state that I did not at any time grope or touch the posterior of a young lady from the town of Perth Amboy. Nor was it necessary for her muscular male friend to offer to, "Beat the [expletive] out of me."

Fortunately, as the altercation escalated, the Bon Jovi song "Livin' On a Prayer" came on the club's speakers, causing the female patrons to work themselves into a frenzy. The distraction was just enough to allow me to safely exit. Needless to say, I'm glad to put the incident behind me, and was later able to find another suitably promiscuous female to share my bed.

Hope all you readers are enjoying the warm weather as well.

With love,
Perry Fatone

Malcolm McSnuggles

Some of us feel the weight of the world on our shoulders. Malcolm McSnuggles not only suffers from this sort of outlook, but also feels intense guilt over his red rocket issue.

What It Says About Me: "There is as much wisdom in pain as there is in pleasure: both belong among the factors that contribute to my uncontrollable boners."

Miriam Clompston

Authorities recently found a weapons cache stockpiled by Miriam Clompston's Free Manistique Fantastique Militia. The Upper Peninsula Michigan housewife was able to escape arrest by using her trusty crossbow (pictured here) and kindly homespun charm.

What It Says About Me: "When I'm not bringing down intrusive government, I make a prize-winning peach cobbler."

Tina Walter

Of Tina Walter's many talents, her ability sleep nearly anywhere after drinking a bottle of Hpnotiq is the most reliable.

What It Says About Me: "I just wanna lay here for one minute."

Fredrick "Sprinkles" McKay

After picking up his morning coffee, Fredrick McKay (aka Sprinkles the Completely Well-Adjusted Clown) grabs a seat on a bench and waits for his phone to ring. Unfortunately, the offers to perform at children's parties and car dealership openings have begun to thin out.

What It Says About Me: "At first, I thought it might be because people assume clowns are homicidal pedofiles -- hence the name change. Now, I just don't know anymore."

Tom and Carol Krackowski

Swingers Tom and Carol Krackowski spent their entire Orlando vacation cruising for single mothers near the children's section of an amusement park. The photo above depicts the couple seconds after making one such sexual advance.

What It Says About Me: "We're just fun-lovin' folks ... By the way, you wouldn't happen to be lactating, would ya'?"

Weekly Message from Perry Fatone

Dear Readers,
It's been raining outside the WISAM offices over the last few days, and I believe it's giving me what psychologists refer to as seasonal affective disorder. Bigman, who's an accomplished amateur head-shrinker as well as my fellow editor, says I may be the first case of springtime SAD on record.

The reason I'm telling you this is not to cause concern. Instead, I wanted to pass along the advice Bigman left me with. It's a bit cryptic, but I feel there's something very profound here. He said, "You can blame it on the rain, 'cause the rain don't mind and the rain don't care. You got to blame it on something. Blame it on the rain. Blame it on the stars. Whatever you do don't put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain."

Take that with you readers, mull it over, and use it for good.

Until next time,
Perry Fatone